Every time I think I'm doing better at accepting things for how they are, I have a relapse. I had to take James in to the clinic today to get checked out for something minor. I really like the nurse practitioner there and she was super helpful as usual. She asked a bit about his history and I explained most of it to her. She mentioned that he looked like he had a genetic syndrome. I know she meant well, and was not trying to be mean or anything like that, but it just hit me hard. I don't want to accept the fact that there is something wrong with James. I want him to be normal. We are still waiting to hear back from genetics to see what the testing showed. It seems like forever. I JUST WANT ANSWERS!!!!
I asked Alex tonight if he would want another child. I love James so much, and would die for him, but I really want a normal son. I will take care of James and all of that, please don't take that the wrong way. My whole dream growing up was to have a son who I could cheer on playing football, or basketball, or whatever sport he wanted, and making the honor roll, and just being a boy. I've lost one already, and James is perfect for who he is, but I want someone to carry on the family name. This is all just a jumble of words. I never dreamed in a million years that this would happen to me. I often question why this does happen to me. What have I done so that I would be challenged like this?
No comments:
Post a Comment